What Came first?

I'd give anything to feel again.
love, hope, pride
I long to experience again,
but mostly I only experience
hunger, pain, loneliness, boredom

I am mourning for emotions long dead
I remember the time when it all started
the day my body split in two,
life cracked my shell
and out ran my energy
like the shimmery whites of eggs,
only to leave a small, wet trace
just enough to remind me that
once
I was happy
once
I could be
and now all I have left is memories
but memories of feelings
are so different from actual feelings
that it creates a double space, negative space
where my whole life used to sit, happy and full
in its own
safe
little
shell

I love you most in the morning.
Before the impossibility of the world
has etched its hard lines
between your eyes.
In the time between when I
awake and you begin to stir,
I memorize the peace and calm,
collect enough to last me the day.
So When the hard world
causes hard words to escape
your mouth, I can always remember
your breath,
whispering,
reminding me that by nature,
your mouth
holds soft words and
soft sounds.
Only extenuating circumstances
will cause to to talk to me
Sharply,
and when you do,
I can always look forward
to the morning,
when again the hate will blow out
with the curtains.

April 2012