What Came first?

I'd give anything to feel again.
love, hope, pride
I long to experience again,
but mostly I only experience
hunger, pain, loneliness, boredom

I am mourning for emotions long dead
I remember the time when it all started
the day my body split in two,
life cracked my shell
and out ran my energy
like the shimmery whites of eggs,
only to leave a small, wet trace
just enough to remind me that
once
I was happy
once
I could be
and now all I have left is memories
but memories of feelings
are so different from actual feelings
that it creates a double space, negative space
where my whole life used to sit, happy and full
in its own
safe
little
shell